apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
