Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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