Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
