My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I am available for nakedness
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
