So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
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