someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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