Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
