Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You've changed since you got that strap on
Damn victory sex feels great
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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