We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
