I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
