Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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