I'm sorry my penis didn't work
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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