Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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