every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
