I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
