Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
