I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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