um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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