planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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