the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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