I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
