I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We're too hungover to prance.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
