It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
