The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
