Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
