The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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