my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
