I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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