Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
