sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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