last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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