If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
