It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
