matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
