whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
