it was like his penis was on wheels.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
What drink are we having for lunch?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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