He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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