If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
