I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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