Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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