I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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