i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
