one two three fourrrrnication!
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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