I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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