i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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