i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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