I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
