Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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