Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
