you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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