There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
