Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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