I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize