I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
