Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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