The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
